Perfume Rant

Before I get started, I need to disclose that in general, I have never liked perfumes or the typical air fresheners that try to cover scents by overpowering them. That being said, I can appreciate a nice smell, especially natural ones. But too much makes it awful, especially artificial smells. That's the main reason I hate perfume. It's almost always too much.

When you smell the same thing for a long period of time, you get used to it and don't smell it any more. So here's a tip if you wear perfume. If you can smell it on yourself, you have way too much on.

Perfume is supposed to make you smell good. When you're wearing it, who are you trying to impress? No, seriously, that's something to think about. Because if you wear it to work and your spouse is not there, why? It's supposed to be a subtle scent for when you two get close. You catch a faint whiff of something nice and want to get closer. That's how it's supposed to work.

Why do you wear perfume? I hope it isn't to cover body odor. The reason you wear it is to hopefully have people think well of you by observing that you smell nice. Newsflash: you may be turning more people off than on. The people who can't smell because their nostrils are already chemically burned out may think you smell nice. But the rest of us around you are left gagging, trying to breathe. No, we don't think you smell nice. You stink.

There is perfume in so many products, and most of us don't even give it a second thought. Even stores are using scent to identify their name brand (read this). But this is a problem for those of us who are more chemically sensitive.

There's perfume in soap, household cleaners, shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper, car wax, fabric softener, new cars (yes, it's perfume), shaving cream, antiperspirant, toothpaste, food, diaper wipes, and urinal cakes. I'd like to breathe at the same time I pee, thank you. Can we please get rid of those awful urinal air fresheners? They already said "no" at work, but I thought I'd just mention it here again.

Did you notice I mentioned there's added fragrance in food? This company has 600 food grade scents available. Really? We can't be happy with the natural delicious smells of food?

Most people who wear perfume are oblivious to the subtle signs that they're wearing, well, not just too much, but way too much. Let me help you out with this list.

If people hesitate to get too close, you may be wearing too much perfume.

If people turn away from you mid-conversation and start walking away, you may be wearing way too much perfume. 

If people avoid any kind of physical contact with you for fear of contamination, you may be wearing way too much perfume.

If I can smell it in the hallway you walked down ten minutes ago, you're wearing way too much perfume.
If I find it hard to breathe when I'm following you, you're wearing way too much perfume.

If I can follow you by smell, you're wearing way too much perfume.

If you have to wear a no smoking sign because your perfume may catch fire, you're wearing way too much perfume.

If you've ever seen a little St. Elmo's fire around your body after getting a static shock, you're wearing way too much perfume.

If the EPA has declared your bathroom a super-fund site, you may be wearing way too much perfume.

Ok, maybe the last three are exaggerations, but seriously, if I can tell where you've been, you're wearing way too much perfume. Speaking of where you've been, have you ever smelled your hands after pushing a cart through Wal-Mart? That's the mixture of the previous shoppers' perfumes. Nasty.

Rant over. Now go try some unscented products for a change. We chemically sensitive types may not think to thank you, but at least we won't curse you for gagging us.